September

September 1, 2014

We’ve hit September. I’ve sort of marked this in my mind as a “we’re finally getting close” milestone- the month before our due date. Maybe part of me saw this as finally an “appropriate” time to start preparations. I just had this mental block before about everything feeling too soon, even though we really hadn’t jumped the gun with Grant. I just couldn’t stand the thought of buying things that had to be returned and painting something that would continually serve as a reminder. But regardless, I’ve been in nesting mode for awhile- the normal pregnancy phase of I’m too big and tired to do much, but I suddenly feel the need to redo or clean absolutely everything in my house. It’s mostly a mental torture that usually doesn’t amount to near the productivity I desire.

… We (BJ) painted her room this weekend and I love the color! It makes me feel so excited to get it done. But it’s also made me realize that I still haven’t quite connected to this whole idea of another baby coming into our home and family. It doesn’t really feel like a fear or denial thing like it did earlier. Maybe more like a lack of time and ability to truly reflect and ponder like I’d like to. And that just comes from being a full time mom I think. Regardless, I’m not sure how to mentally prepare for this. I want the moment of her birth to feel so connected and joyous…

September 16, 2014

Fall is coming and the weather is getting cooler. I’ve been so focused on preparing for this little girl’s arrival that Fall has kind of snuck up on me. I’ve always been a very associative person. Smells and sights can immediately take me back to a certain memory or time. And that’s how it’s starting to feel with Fall and Grant. The cooler temps and other factors sometimes have made it feel so fresh again lately. I haven’t fully let myself go there yet. On Sunday all 4 of us were at our family’s favorite park. We haven’t gone there all summer really and as we walked over to the playground I felt a flood of memories hit me. We went there the day after we found out about Grant and the day before I delivered him. Memories and feelings flashed through my brain. I mentioned it to BJ and watched his face change and go through similar thoughts and feelings as he remembered. It feels like such a while ago…until Fall.

I’m still pleasantly surprised at how relaxed and normal I’ve been with this pregnancy since the 24 week mark. I’m very focused on finishing her room and preparing for her birth and arrival. It feels like a near certainty at this point which is such a long way from where I started. But it also scares me to feel so certain and planning on it. Sometimes the stray thought of “what if” will flash through my mind, but for the most part it leaves as quickly as it came. Deep down I really feel like God will follow through with this. That I will get to hold my warm, pink, sweet baby girl in my arms in just a matter of weeks. We’ve come too far…

I’ve thought a little about how I want to celebrate Grant’s birthday. Initially (shortly after it happened) we had talked about making his birthday a day of remembrance- going through our photos and all of his mementos  and just letting ourselves feel and remember and celebrate his little life. But I’m kind of afraid to really go there. It’s never easy or appealing to feel pain and sorrow again, but if I’m still pregnant I told BJ that I worry about the effect it could have on my mind of trying to finish this long, strenuous marathon of a pregnancy. I am trying to intentionally get and keep my mind in a place of hope, focus, and peace. So, depending on where we are at I think we will make cupcakes with the boys and talk about their little brother in heaven.  I also want to follow through on sponsoring a child. I found out you can narrow down by birthday so I thought it would be really neat to choose a little boy with the same birthday as Grant.

October will always be a paradoxical month for our family. Bittersweet. I know God’s plan in perfect and there is a lot of meaning and purpose behind the timing. And I am trusting him to reveal it however He wants.

September 26, 2014

We are almost there. It feels pretty surreal to think that we could meet our daughter any day. It seems obsessively on my mind. I’m constantly wondering will today be the day and what will it all look like. I’m finding that I am putting a lot of emphasis on the actual birth experience. I don’t think I would have been that woman previously, but it has become such a big climactic moment in my head and, like any birth, I’m trying to keep a realistic  perspective that it may not look like the exact romantic visions I’ve had in my head and that’s ok.

Overall I still don’t feel like I have my head wrapped around the fact that I am about to have a daughter, a baby girl who will forever be a part of our family. I’m reminding myself that I felt this way with the boys as well. It’s such a huge life change that literally happens in a matter of hours or a single moment really. My and our little family’s lives will forever be changed. I don’t feel quite as emotional for our family changing as I would have thought. I feel like the boys are there. They are big boys now, regardless of becoming big brothers, and they are so ready and excited for this. That’s been the great thing about this pregnancy- once I was able to get on board and let myself get excited (which really hasn’t even been that long now) I have just simply wanted it so bad. The upcoming sleepless nights, fears of juggling three kids, worries about how it will change my relationship with the boys…none of that mattered anymore as long as she came safely. And now she’s almost here. I suppose I feel a little caught off guard just because it’s still been hard for me to picture this really happening. I prayed and fought so hard for this little girl, but feel slightly caught off guard that it’s really going to happen. I keep thinking I wish I could go to a secluded cabin for a few days and just think, reflect, pray, and prepare my heart for her. It’s so hard in daily life to get to the point where I want to be going into this.

And then there’s a very tiny part of me that tries to creep to the surface every now and then that thinks about something still going wrong. What if we have an emergent labor situation? What if I lose her after we’ve come this far?...I almost immediately push them back and choose to see the God I’ve come to see throughout this past year. A God who has cradled me in his arms, seen and felt my tears and heartache, given me a gift I hadn’t even begun to ask for, and literally carried me through every single step of this journey. Whom shall I fear?

September 29, 2014

I’m starting to feel pretty antsy. Her arrival has felt like an any day now situation, but that definitely makes the weeks feel more drawn out. I’ve even started having thoughts of what if she doesn’t come on her own by 40 weeks? Which is really dumb because I’m only 37 ½ right now. I’ve heard it and it’s true, when you get checked for progress it doesn’t do anything but get in your head really. Last week I was 3 cm dilated and 80% effaced- hence labor feeling closer than farther. But I’ve held on for almost another week which really is a good thing since she wasn’t quite 7 lbs. then.  For the most part I feel so ready to just do this thing and hold our baby girl. But then last night I started having fairly consistent contractions 10-15 minutes apart and I found myself more freaked than excited. I think mostly for the sake of the thought of laboring overnight. Not appealing to me. But all of this has served as another reminder for what I’ve been learning all along throughout- I am not in control, but God is. And I need to just sit back and trust him for his perfect plan and perfect timing. I want to cherish these final days as a family of 4.

Late last week I took the boys to Costco for a milk run. I usually try to plan one of our lunch dates around it and I think it was as I drove into the parking lot it hit me that this could be the last time we do it as just the three of us and it really got me. I had been saying how surprised I was that I was so ready to embrace this giant life change and that I really felt pretty ready to add a sister. They’ve been ready and understand and are excited and I just hadn’t felt super emotional about it. And then we went to Costco. Somehow sitting there in the little café with our pizza, hot dogs, lemonade, and diet pepsi made reality sink in and I sat there and just fought tears. They’ve been such good errand runners these past few months and we’ve gone everywhere together. They ride in the carts, gather food samples, chat with me, and then we all head to the train aisle as a reward. I am going to miss the simplicity and specialness of it so much. It’s been me and them against the world for over 3 years now and they are my little buddies. I wouldn’t change anything about what’s about to happen. I know it’s the right time and we really are ready, but it’s definitely going to be different.

July-August

July 9, 2014

I’m feeling a gentle nagging in my heart. I feel a little bit restless. For awhile now I have felt God speaking to me about sharing my story more- to use it as a testimony of His goodness, faithfulness, and glory. I never publicly shared Grant’s blog, although it has crossed my mind many times. But every time I’ve gotten close to doing it I guess I sort of chicken out and feel like it’s not really necessary. It still feels so raw in many ways and it is literally the deepest parts of my inmost heart. I’ve never been a super public person in terms of emotions and sharing. I tend to like to keep a brave face for the outside world and only let down to those closest to me.

The truth is I have a story. We all do, but I feel I have one more than ever now. I was so quick to talk about it after everything had first happened. Despite my pain and grief I was in my “church camp high”, having experienced God Almighty more personally and really than I ever have. I would bet my face had a slight glow, despite the sadness I was experiencing. Anytime I shared about Grant, God’s grace and goodness was woven tightly in and I tried to use it as an opportunity to share the gospel whenever I could. And then time marched on and it has become less of conversational topic with everyone in general. Which is ok, but has caused me to recede back into the background and pass on opportunities to share.

On Sunday, Rex started a sermon series on the 4 types of fields which begins a focus on missions. As I sat listening I didn’t feel any particular stirring or tug until the very end. At the bottom of the insert was the sentence “My field is _____”. We were supposed to fill in where we most considered our mission field to be and turn it in. And I am telling you, it has haunted me ever since…

I’m getting the idea as of this morning to start a blog that would begin with a link to Grant’s blog and back log a few of my previous journal entries and then continue through this baby’s birth. I feel like her birthday will be such a climactic moment that I’ve known I wanted to share, but how much more impactful would it be for others with more background of where God has brought us. I don’t know why (other than Satan) I feel the need to keep this in. I try to tell myself that no one will really benefit or find it that relevant. That it’s just me telling another story to the internet, but I can’t shake this feeling. Because what I’ve learned is that this story isn’t about me or even about my children. It’s about God and what will bring him glory. And I want our story to. A mission field is about telling other people about the God you serve and what he has done in your life. And I have a story…

July 29, 2014

I have felt more of a peace and normalcy than I expected to at this point. Sometimes it makes me nervous to feel this calm and “normal”.  She has been moving pretty consistently and that has been the biggest reassurance. That combined with the fact that we are quite a bit past our marker with Grant. I wouldn’t say it feels like clear skies and smooth sailing, but it is definitely feeling more of a reality and I have been in planning and nesting mode as a result.

August 11, 2014

I’ve felt really good overall. It seems like ever since that big 24 week hurdle I have felt more peace and hope and seen the light more than I expected to. Baby girl has still been quite active, especially at night. I’m a hopeless night snacker and she definitely responds! I love it! Lately her movements have been more like rolls than kicks.

I had another unexpected moment of emotion yesterday. We finally got the boys’ room pretty finished and they slept in it for the first time on Saturday night. We ended up leaving the beds bunked after several serious rules discussions and so far they have done really well. I felt a little emotional about seeing them leave their monkey room, but the drive for finished projects and the darling-ness of their new room has kept me going. Then yesterday we began dismantling their monkey room. It wasn’t really on the agenda, but just kind of happened as we got going with the never-ending chore of organization.  BJ had had the idea of letting them help take down some of their decals to ease the transition. It ended up working great for them and terribly for me. I sat in the glider in the same spot I watched BJ put up the decals the night before they were born. And it felt like a time warp 3 years ahead as I watched my “babies” holding a hair dryer to take their names down. I could still cry right now thinking of it. I watched Pierce bouncing in his crib looking out at me in the glider and could instantly picture his 10 month old self doing the same thing. Pretty soon the tears were flowing and I had to excuse myself to our room. I sat there choking back sobs and trying to sort out my emotions. I realized that much of it had to do with truly ending babyhood for the boys. Nothing else has seemed quite so final as the dismantling of their nursery. Why oh why didn’t I just start them in the room they would end up in? That might have made it slightly easier. But I also realized that I was starting to feel worked up about the idea of actually starting in on her room. Like so many situations, I feel like I should have seen it coming, but didn’t. I have made a lot of plans for her room and bought several things for it, but somehow actually starting in on the room sent pangs of panic through my heart. It’s just another superstition I will fight. A decorated nursery does not equal a stillborn baby. There is no correlation. I was once again reminded of the fragility of the life I hold inside me and how uncertain it still feels at times, despite the good weeks I’ve had lately.

I pulled myself together and went back in. It felt like the decals were being ripped from my heart instead of the wall. But soon I once again focused on the setting up of the room and started realizing that I had way too much furniture. I think my exact quote to BJ was, “I’m anxious to get the furniture all in here so I can see how it will actually fit.” Blaine looked up and immediately reminded me of our letter D bible verse for the week. He said, “But Mommy, do not be anxious about anything.” I knew right away that he had heard me use the word anxious and I was blown away and so proud that his verse came to mind. The word of God is indeed active! At first I chuckled because I had just meant that I was anxious in the sense of antsy, but God spoke immediately to my heart and used my sweet 3 year old to remind me that I need not be anxious about anything. Her birth, my boys growing up, the future. Anything. What a humbling and blessed reminder. 

April- July

April 2, 2014

…Intentional peace. I guess maybe I haven’t really achieved yet. This whole first trimester has mostly been putting my head in the sand and enduring. I don’t think I’ve truly accepted this pregnancy. I haven’t fully been grateful because I’m afraid to get excited and plan on this really happening. I don’t want to let myself feel fear because I’m afraid it will completely take over…I guess the truth is that I’m just scared. Whether I want to be that way or not, I am. I’m finding myself losing my footing in the grounds of surrender and grasping more tightly to the things I can’t control. I know I need to stay rooted in the word and God’s love...

I guess I’m not totally sure what to focus on right now. I guess surrender. To remember that God is in complete control and wants the best for me. To know of his extravagant love and trust him to carry out what he knows is best. He wants good things for me. And I know I just need to pray more. To take time to stop each day and pour out my heart to him and let him speak back.

Father,

I am scared. And I know that means I’m not trusting you enough. I can feel my knuckles whitening as I try to hold tighter to the things you’ve given me. Help me to have the right and healthy perspective of this pregnancy. To celebrate and enjoy the gift that you’ve given us and to believe, truly believe, that it will come to be and that everything will be fine.  Help me to dwell in your goodness and to believe you. I pray you would fill my heart with peace and hope.

June 16. 2014

…I’m at 22 ½ weeks now and as I read back through former entries I do feel like I’ve come so far…One of the most exciting things is that a few weeks ago we found out she is a girl! I couldn’t be more excited, but I still find myself treating it like a prospective excitement- like “wouldn’t this be beyond exciting and perfect if it really happened?!” I still tend to block visions of the future as if I’m holding out to see what really goes down. I think part of that has to do with the 20-24 week window I’m smack in the middle of. I’ve known this would be a hard climb. They guess Grant was approx. 22 weeks when he passed away and we found out at my 24 week appt. In some ways there is a lot of relief at just having passed 22 weeks, but 24 feels like another hurdle as well. I know I won’t feel out of the woods at any point in this pregnancy, but every week past now will feel like a small victory that I didn’t get to have last time. Another week towards hope and excitement. I can and do often picture the actual moment of giving birth to our baby girl (a definite big step compared to the beginning) and I can almost cry at the emotion, relief, and climax of that moment…

July 2. 2014

Lately I think I’ve felt a little lost about how to feel now. I’m approaching the third trimester and, honestly, I wasn’t sure I would make it this far. I think in my head I keep thinking of this time as uncharted territory or unfamiliar waters- even though I’ve obviously gotten through one pregnancy amazingly successfully during this time. In some ways it feels like the home stretch and in other ways it feels like we have so far to go. I find myself still feeling very cautious…

I’ve also found myself often thinking and saying “I just wish she was here”. I think about how far we’ve made it and I just want to fast forward to the end result and hold this baby in my arms. And then very gently I feel God reminding me that this defeats the point of the trust I have had to have in him. It’s me wanting to take control and just have it. It’s me saying that I think I can do a better job of taking care of her here on Earth and in my arms than God could in the womb. I have been very humbled by this thought. Even though hearing her cry in that hospital room in October means we made it through a very long and enduring pregnancy, there are no more guarantees here on Earth. In fact, not to get all morbid, but our Earth is a fallen and dangerous place. God is sovereign and is in control with a perfect plan no matter what age or phase of life my children are in. I rest in the thought that she and her big brothers are securely in His strong and loving arms. And really there’s nowhere else I’d want them be.

This is a song that fits perfectly with the phase I feel I’m at. Stepping into deep waters, relying on absolute faith in a firm and faithful God. It may just become my third trimester anthem.

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

Hillsong United

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

February- March

February 17, 2014

... But there had started to be a looming thought in the back of my head… I tried to tell myself I was just getting it in my head, but I really wondered …Two clear, dark lines! Holy.cow. I was shocked and yet not. There was definitely a surreal element…

…Truly so much of me was relieved and kind of excited. God had answered the prayer and desire of my heart to just take control and make it so clear. I think I can be quoted at some point earlier that month saying I almost wished a surprise would just happen so it would be out of our hands and clearly God’s plan. And here I was a couple of weeks later holding a positive pregnancy test.

I was surprisingly more excited and hopeful than I initially thought I would be. There wasn’t an immediate dread or looming fear that I thought might be there. What I have found myself feeling is a 50/50 chance though. I feel surprisingly ready to move ahead, but I just don’t feel super confident that there will really be a healthy, normal baby at the end of this.  Just 50/50... I in no way feel like I’m checked off with the pregnancy tragedy. If anything, it feels even more possible.

And then there’s the biggest issue of all that I’m not sure I’ve even begun to tackle. How am I seeing God in this? And what does it really say about how I feel about Him in regards to Grant? …I just feel like I have no idea what the future holds... Yes, He is a good and loving God. But yes, hard and bad things still happen. I know this is my jaded view I often have of God and life- that he is always out to teach us a hard, but necessary lesson through tough things...

I’ve known for a long time that the preparation and process of a next pregnancy would be the perfect place for Satan to get a grip on my heart... The idea just popped into my head to make a list of what I know about this situation and about God. I’m hoping he put in there as a place to turn…

What I know…

-          There is a human life growing inside me right now

-          God is good, loves me, and wants to give me hope and a future

-          God loves children and cherishes life

-          He, and only He, is in complete control

I just feel stuck. I feel like I’m spinning my wheels here. I’m not sure what scripture to meditate on. So I’m just going to pray. I think I’m going to need to do that a lot.

February 27, 2014

My first doctor’s appointment is tomorrow. What used to be the most anticipated date of the month is now one of dread for me. I am so anxious about going. I feel like it is most likened to a very small version of post traumatic stress…

…I feel like I’m surrendered, like I know God has the greatest purposes and truly loves me and wants good for me, but I just don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t want to assume the worst of Him and I know I far too often do. But I think my heart just feels so defensive and scared. I just so want to know what He’s thinking... I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to allow myself to get attached or excited. I don’t know how to be surrendered, yet plan on a baby in 9 months...

As I scan back over my words I see a lot of “I don’t knows”. And I’m reminded of my memorial words for Grant. “There are so many things I don’t know, but I’ve come to realize that there are a lot of things I do know.” I guess all I can do is focus on the attributes that I know are true. That God has spoken in His word, and therefore I believe. I need to bathe myself in verses of love, comfort, strength, and hope. I need to understand and remember God’s design for life, health, happiness, and joy. His love of children and families.

I just opened up the bible and prayed for a passage to speak to me. As I scanned the page looking for something relevant, I came upon this from Isaiah 66…

"Before she goes into labor, she gives birth before the pains come upon her, she delivers a son…'Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery?', says the Lord. 'Do I close up the womb when I bring to delivery?', says your God. Rejoice with Jerusalem and be glad for her, all you who love her; rejoice greatly with her, all you who mourn over her. For you will nurse and be satisfied at her comforting breasts; you will drink deeply and delight in her overflowing abundance. For this is what the Lord says: 'I will extend peace to her like a river, and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream; you will nurse and be carried on her arm and dandled on her knees. As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem.'”

I know that these verses are a more figurative use, but I can’t help but think I was led directly to them. Maybe, just maybe, everything is going to be ok. I need your peace like a river and the comfort like that of a mother. Thank you, Lord.

March 15, 2014

My first appointment went really well.  It was definitely great to see our baby and watch the little heartbeat flicker. A heartbeat has never meant so much or felt so risky. .. Although I am 9 weeks, I still feel very 50/50. I recently explained it to my mom that most pregnant women can clearly visualize certain things 9 months down the road. They dream about names, nurseries, how their family with change and look. But I feel like when I try to look at even a few weeks into the future, all I can see is a drawn curtain. And I just have no idea what’s behind it. Does it hold heartache? Or will it hold a healthy baby boy or girl and the expansion of our family? I don’t think that this is the healthiest mindset right now, but it seems like all I can really muster for the time being.

The night after we’d had our appointment Sarah and a friend were over watching the boys. We were chatting afterwards and got to talking about this pregnancy and just how anxious I was. Her friend very innocently, but genuinely, asked why I would be so nervous. I’d already done a hard thing in delivering and raising twin babies. This couldn't be that much harder. His innocent questions prompted BJ to bring up Grant, and I think we both assumed that he must not have been aware just what we’d gone through a few months ago. Sarah had told him, but I know he couldn't truly comprehend what we felt and went through.  But in any case, I feel like God spoke to me in that moment about clearing my mind and starting fresh with this pregnancy. Why should I fear? I have had a healthy twin pregnancy. There was nothing that could have been done differently with Grant. Nothing genetic, nothing obviously repeatable. This was a fresh start, a new pregnancy. And I feel like God spoke unexpectedly through Sarah's friend that night to remind me that I should have a childlike, innocent faith about this pregnancy.

A few nights later, I was reading through my Bible plan and came across an incredibly simple verse that stopped me dead in my tracks. Jesus was talking to a man named Jairus after he had asked him to heal his sick daughter. They got word the daughter had died and Jesus looked at him and spoke these words that I now cling to, “Don’t be afraid. Just have faith.” Six simple words, yet they are a challenge to me every single day. 

I told BJ last night, after he had asked how he could pray for me, that I swing between knowing how to pray for myself in this situation. On one hand, there’s the open submission prayer of hoping for the best, BUT…if not, I’m ok with it. But if not, I’ll stay faithful. But if not, I know you still love me. And those are all good and necessary prayers. But I felt like God has been speaking to me about the other kind of prayer I could pray. The kind where I plead with him of exactly what I am desiring and focusing on his love, goodness, light, desire to bring us good and not harm, that his intentions are never to continue to hurt us. Period. I don’t want to pray in light of another possible tragedy. I’m tired of focusing on that and fearing it. I think it’s possible I need to stick my head in the spiritual sand a little more. My eyes have been opened wide the past few months, and instead I think I’d like to squint for a little while and focus on what I know to be true about a God and savior who loves me fiercely and wants to fight for the life of my child. This is all much easier said than done, but I think it will be honoring to Him in the end. Help me to do this, Lord. Amen.

November- January Journal Excerpts

Friday, November 8, 2013

…I once again feel the pull of being Grant’s mom and Pierce and Blaine’s mom. The two look very different. As Grant’s mom I want and need to take time to stop, think, feel, be. And as the boys’ mom that is the absolute last thing on my list. The day is mostly about them and lately that has equaled refereeing toys, managing tantrums, and desperately trying to get them to take a nap. I’m tired. It’s odd how back to normal life can feel at times and it feels good and then the grief slowly creeps back in. It never seems to slam me out of the middle of nowhere, but somewhere around Friday it subtly begins to settle back and I’m cruelly reminded once again that life is not the same and I’m still not sure what normal looks like anymore…

Friday, December 13, 2013

…Now when I feel sad, it feels like a more rational kind of sad. A more normal sad. The past month I’ve felt mostly normal, like it almost never happened or was a distant bad dream. And now, in the past week or so, I’ve been missing him again. It’s funny how this goes in such waves without an obvious trigger. As time approaches my due date I feel sad. In most ways it feels like a year ago that we lost Grant, but sometimes not. It seems I am continually learning new ways that his loss affects me.

… I know that instead of trusting God and feeling relieved in his sovereignty I am completely fearing him and ducking into a tornado drill position waiting for the next tragedy to hit…I have got to see God as kind and compassionate. Not someone to be scared of and duck from. I know I have a spiritual challenge of seeing God as always wanting to give me the hard road to build character instead of bestowing good things upon me. ..

January 7, 2014

... I miss Grant all the time right now. I feel like he is constantly on my mind. I’m not sure if this is just the amount of time we are removed or the fact that we have officially entered his birth month. Maybe both. … it’s been different. More intense, more thoughtful, more aching.

It seems like the more I think about Grant, the more I also think about the future and possible pregnancies…  I feel lost. I feel like I’m in the middle of a dark forest and I just can’t see the path or the light or the way I should go.. it is such an odd feeling to feel so directionless and sedentary. Still.

The verse just came to mind “Be still and know that I am God.” Maybe that’s where he wants me right now. I’m finding it’s really an uncomfortable place for me to be. I like movement, busyness, activity, goals, and direction. I’m not super patient, and truth be told, I really don’t like to wait. But that’s really all I can do right now. I have no other direction or guidance. I have felt for awhile now that to move forward with another pregnancy would have to begin with a very clear direction and leading from God. I obviously don’t have that now and I think that sometimes feels frustrating and scary. I don’t know what month will be right to move on, I don’t know what the future of our family looks like. And I guess I don’t need to. I just need to know that He is God. Never have I felt so reliant and so dependent for each day, waiting on Him to show me, submitting to his will and purpose.

... I have known that this year would be a very intentional year. That it would hold a lot of emotion and a lot of need for depending closely on Jesus- to protect my mind, heart, and keep it focused on him. To not let fear and doubt and anger creep in in the wake of losing our sweet Grant.  I have already seen my reliance on God because I have never felt so dependent and desperate. And isn’t that right where he wants me? And the coolest thing is that he has been answering. Not in revelations of my future and precise direction. But in other ways of guidance that will lead me exactly where he wants me for that moment.

Lord, I need you. When I think about it, this ache is causing me to keep turning to you. Reminding me that I simply cannot do this on my own. Grant’s life is still changing and shaping mine for the better. Please help me to continue to let him inspire me. To continue to make his life matter and be life changing for me and others.  Help me to not look too far ahead, but to stop my gaze right at you. That’s my focus. It’s ok to not know the future… Help me to be still and know that you are God. Amen.

January 29, 2014

We have hit Grant’s due date… For whatever reason, I’ve been in a less emotional time. It’s not really a lack of emotions as much as complete distraction through a busy time. The stomach flu went through our house this past week starting with Pierce and then taking down BJ. We’ve also been knee deep in kitchen remodel plans. I feel like that’s been sort of a God timing thing to help get through this month. We’ve been focused on granite types and paint colors and have spent a lot of time in thought for it. Part of me feels guilty that I haven’t taken more time to reflect and just feel, but I guess it really hasn’t been a conscious choice. I do hope life will slow down a little in the coming weeks. It feels foreign once again to think of any day now heading to the hospital to give birth to Grant. I think it’s like picturing a complete alternate reality. It’s no longer an unfulfilled vision. It already happened and in a completely different way

… I still don’t talk about Grant without mentioning all God did for us. He has continued to stay near and show up in the times I have felt saddest…

Time to share

First of all, let me say I have never aspired to be a blogger. I love reading other people's blogs and am impressed by consistent journalers, but it's never been my thing. I don't love writing. It often feels like more of a chore for me. I guess I'm a verbal kind of girl. But in the past few months writing has become more of an outlet, a lifeline, than I ever thought possible. For awhile now I feel like God has been nudging me to be better about sharing our story. After we lost Grant in October I had no choice but to talk about it and be very intentional with sharing. And it felt good and healing. God's goodness was so closely laced into our experience with Grant that I naturally found myself talking about what he had done in our lives and the ways he was working. But slowly over time I've crawled back into my shell. I'm naturally a more private person to the general public. I am definitely a "feeler" and very analytic and reflective by nature. But I usually keep the deeper stuff to the "inner circle" of people in my life. It's where I'm comfortable. And yet I know that God is drawing me back out, calling me to share my heart, what I'm learning, and most of all what He's done and is doing. It feels I have grown more in the past 9 months than maybe ever before. And so I will share.

This journey of a year all began October 7, 2013 when we found out we had lost our son Grant at 24 weeks pregnant. Time stopped and our lives felt shattered. We were desperate to save every memory and experience we could from that time and so I created a blog about his birth and our week with Grant. This is where the story begins. After that I found journaling to be a huge outlet for me- in the weeks of grief and processing that followed and unexpectedly through the amazing surprise and blessing of our current pregnancy. Grant's and his little sister's birthdays will only be about a week apart. This is timing I would have gone out of my way to avoid, but as time has gone by it feels somewhat completing and poetic. In so many ways I see the birth of this baby girl bringing climax to our journey of a year. We've prayed that what started with brokenness and heartache will be made new with life and joy.  

I plan to back log excerpts from my journal over the next few weeks and continue through the birth of our baby girl. Our journey begins with Grant and here is his story...

Our Journey with Grant