July-August

July 9, 2014

I’m feeling a gentle nagging in my heart. I feel a little bit restless. For awhile now I have felt God speaking to me about sharing my story more- to use it as a testimony of His goodness, faithfulness, and glory. I never publicly shared Grant’s blog, although it has crossed my mind many times. But every time I’ve gotten close to doing it I guess I sort of chicken out and feel like it’s not really necessary. It still feels so raw in many ways and it is literally the deepest parts of my inmost heart. I’ve never been a super public person in terms of emotions and sharing. I tend to like to keep a brave face for the outside world and only let down to those closest to me.

The truth is I have a story. We all do, but I feel I have one more than ever now. I was so quick to talk about it after everything had first happened. Despite my pain and grief I was in my “church camp high”, having experienced God Almighty more personally and really than I ever have. I would bet my face had a slight glow, despite the sadness I was experiencing. Anytime I shared about Grant, God’s grace and goodness was woven tightly in and I tried to use it as an opportunity to share the gospel whenever I could. And then time marched on and it has become less of conversational topic with everyone in general. Which is ok, but has caused me to recede back into the background and pass on opportunities to share.

On Sunday, Rex started a sermon series on the 4 types of fields which begins a focus on missions. As I sat listening I didn’t feel any particular stirring or tug until the very end. At the bottom of the insert was the sentence “My field is _____”. We were supposed to fill in where we most considered our mission field to be and turn it in. And I am telling you, it has haunted me ever since…

I’m getting the idea as of this morning to start a blog that would begin with a link to Grant’s blog and back log a few of my previous journal entries and then continue through this baby’s birth. I feel like her birthday will be such a climactic moment that I’ve known I wanted to share, but how much more impactful would it be for others with more background of where God has brought us. I don’t know why (other than Satan) I feel the need to keep this in. I try to tell myself that no one will really benefit or find it that relevant. That it’s just me telling another story to the internet, but I can’t shake this feeling. Because what I’ve learned is that this story isn’t about me or even about my children. It’s about God and what will bring him glory. And I want our story to. A mission field is about telling other people about the God you serve and what he has done in your life. And I have a story…

July 29, 2014

I have felt more of a peace and normalcy than I expected to at this point. Sometimes it makes me nervous to feel this calm and “normal”.  She has been moving pretty consistently and that has been the biggest reassurance. That combined with the fact that we are quite a bit past our marker with Grant. I wouldn’t say it feels like clear skies and smooth sailing, but it is definitely feeling more of a reality and I have been in planning and nesting mode as a result.

August 11, 2014

I’ve felt really good overall. It seems like ever since that big 24 week hurdle I have felt more peace and hope and seen the light more than I expected to. Baby girl has still been quite active, especially at night. I’m a hopeless night snacker and she definitely responds! I love it! Lately her movements have been more like rolls than kicks.

I had another unexpected moment of emotion yesterday. We finally got the boys’ room pretty finished and they slept in it for the first time on Saturday night. We ended up leaving the beds bunked after several serious rules discussions and so far they have done really well. I felt a little emotional about seeing them leave their monkey room, but the drive for finished projects and the darling-ness of their new room has kept me going. Then yesterday we began dismantling their monkey room. It wasn’t really on the agenda, but just kind of happened as we got going with the never-ending chore of organization.  BJ had had the idea of letting them help take down some of their decals to ease the transition. It ended up working great for them and terribly for me. I sat in the glider in the same spot I watched BJ put up the decals the night before they were born. And it felt like a time warp 3 years ahead as I watched my “babies” holding a hair dryer to take their names down. I could still cry right now thinking of it. I watched Pierce bouncing in his crib looking out at me in the glider and could instantly picture his 10 month old self doing the same thing. Pretty soon the tears were flowing and I had to excuse myself to our room. I sat there choking back sobs and trying to sort out my emotions. I realized that much of it had to do with truly ending babyhood for the boys. Nothing else has seemed quite so final as the dismantling of their nursery. Why oh why didn’t I just start them in the room they would end up in? That might have made it slightly easier. But I also realized that I was starting to feel worked up about the idea of actually starting in on her room. Like so many situations, I feel like I should have seen it coming, but didn’t. I have made a lot of plans for her room and bought several things for it, but somehow actually starting in on the room sent pangs of panic through my heart. It’s just another superstition I will fight. A decorated nursery does not equal a stillborn baby. There is no correlation. I was once again reminded of the fragility of the life I hold inside me and how uncertain it still feels at times, despite the good weeks I’ve had lately.

I pulled myself together and went back in. It felt like the decals were being ripped from my heart instead of the wall. But soon I once again focused on the setting up of the room and started realizing that I had way too much furniture. I think my exact quote to BJ was, “I’m anxious to get the furniture all in here so I can see how it will actually fit.” Blaine looked up and immediately reminded me of our letter D bible verse for the week. He said, “But Mommy, do not be anxious about anything.” I knew right away that he had heard me use the word anxious and I was blown away and so proud that his verse came to mind. The word of God is indeed active! At first I chuckled because I had just meant that I was anxious in the sense of antsy, but God spoke immediately to my heart and used my sweet 3 year old to remind me that I need not be anxious about anything. Her birth, my boys growing up, the future. Anything. What a humbling and blessed reminder.