Friday, November 8, 2013
…I once again feel the pull of being Grant’s mom and Pierce
and Blaine’s mom. The two look very different. As Grant’s mom I want and need
to take time to stop, think, feel, be. And as the boys’ mom that is the
absolute last thing on my list. The day is mostly about them and lately that
has equaled refereeing toys, managing tantrums, and desperately trying to get
them to take a nap. I’m tired. It’s odd how back to normal life can feel at
times and it feels good and then the grief slowly creeps back in. It never
seems to slam me out of the middle of nowhere, but somewhere around Friday it
subtly begins to settle back and I’m cruelly reminded once again that life is
not the same and I’m still not sure what normal looks like anymore…
Friday, December 13, 2013
…Now when I feel sad, it feels like a more rational kind of
sad. A more normal sad. The past month I’ve felt mostly normal, like it almost
never happened or was a distant bad dream. And now, in the past week or so,
I’ve been missing him again. It’s funny how this goes in such waves without an
obvious trigger. As time approaches my due date I feel sad. In most ways it
feels like a year ago that we lost Grant, but sometimes not. It seems I am
continually learning new ways that his loss affects me.
… I know that instead of trusting God and feeling relieved
in his sovereignty I am completely fearing him and ducking into a tornado drill
position waiting for the next tragedy to hit…I have got to see God as kind and
compassionate. Not someone to be scared of and duck from. I know I have a
spiritual challenge of seeing God as always wanting to give me the hard road to
build character instead of bestowing good things upon me. ..
January 7, 2014
... I miss Grant all the time right now. I feel like he is
constantly on my mind. I’m not sure if this is just the amount of time we are
removed or the fact that we have officially entered his birth month. Maybe
both. … it’s been different. More intense, more thoughtful, more aching.
It seems like the more I think about Grant, the more I also
think about the future and possible pregnancies… I feel lost. I feel like I’m in the middle of
a dark forest and I just can’t see the path or the light or the way I should go..
it is such an odd feeling to feel so directionless and sedentary. Still.
The verse just came to mind “Be still and know that I am
God.” Maybe that’s where he wants me right now. I’m finding it’s really an
uncomfortable place for me to be. I like movement, busyness, activity, goals,
and direction. I’m not super patient, and truth be told, I really don’t like to
wait. But that’s really all I can do right now. I have no other direction or
guidance. I have felt for awhile now that to move forward with another
pregnancy would have to begin with a very clear direction and leading from God.
I obviously don’t have that now and I think that sometimes feels frustrating
and scary. I don’t know what month will be right to move on, I don’t know what
the future of our family looks like. And I guess I don’t need to. I just need
to know that He is God. Never have I felt so reliant and so dependent for each
day, waiting on Him to show me, submitting to his will and purpose.
... I have known that this year would be a very intentional
year. That it would hold a lot of emotion and a lot of need for depending
closely on Jesus- to protect my mind, heart, and keep it focused on him. To not
let fear and doubt and anger creep in in the wake of losing our sweet Grant. I have already seen my reliance on God
because I have never felt so dependent and desperate. And isn’t that right
where he wants me? And the coolest thing is that he has been answering. Not in
revelations of my future and precise direction. But in other ways of guidance
that will lead me exactly where he wants me for that moment.
Lord, I need you. When I think about it, this ache is
causing me to keep turning to you. Reminding me that I simply cannot do this on
my own. Grant’s life is still changing and shaping mine for the better. Please
help me to continue to let him inspire me. To continue to make his life matter
and be life changing for me and others.
Help me to not look too far ahead, but to stop my gaze right at you.
That’s my focus. It’s ok to not know the future… Help me to be still and know
that you are God. Amen.
January 29, 2014
We have hit Grant’s due date… For whatever reason, I’ve been
in a less emotional time. It’s not really a lack of emotions as much as
complete distraction through a busy time. The stomach flu went through our
house this past week starting with Pierce and then taking down BJ. We’ve also
been knee deep in kitchen remodel plans. I feel like that’s been sort of a God
timing thing to help get through this month. We’ve been focused on granite
types and paint colors and have spent a lot of time in thought for it. Part of
me feels guilty that I haven’t taken more time to reflect and just feel, but I
guess it really hasn’t been a conscious choice. I do hope life will slow down a
little in the coming weeks. It feels foreign once again to think of any day now
heading to the hospital to give birth to Grant. I think it’s like picturing a
complete alternate reality. It’s no longer an unfulfilled vision. It already
happened and in a completely different way
… I still don’t talk about Grant without mentioning all God
did for us. He has continued to stay near and show up in the times I have felt
saddest…
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