September

September 1, 2014

We’ve hit September. I’ve sort of marked this in my mind as a “we’re finally getting close” milestone- the month before our due date. Maybe part of me saw this as finally an “appropriate” time to start preparations. I just had this mental block before about everything feeling too soon, even though we really hadn’t jumped the gun with Grant. I just couldn’t stand the thought of buying things that had to be returned and painting something that would continually serve as a reminder. But regardless, I’ve been in nesting mode for awhile- the normal pregnancy phase of I’m too big and tired to do much, but I suddenly feel the need to redo or clean absolutely everything in my house. It’s mostly a mental torture that usually doesn’t amount to near the productivity I desire.

… We (BJ) painted her room this weekend and I love the color! It makes me feel so excited to get it done. But it’s also made me realize that I still haven’t quite connected to this whole idea of another baby coming into our home and family. It doesn’t really feel like a fear or denial thing like it did earlier. Maybe more like a lack of time and ability to truly reflect and ponder like I’d like to. And that just comes from being a full time mom I think. Regardless, I’m not sure how to mentally prepare for this. I want the moment of her birth to feel so connected and joyous…

September 16, 2014

Fall is coming and the weather is getting cooler. I’ve been so focused on preparing for this little girl’s arrival that Fall has kind of snuck up on me. I’ve always been a very associative person. Smells and sights can immediately take me back to a certain memory or time. And that’s how it’s starting to feel with Fall and Grant. The cooler temps and other factors sometimes have made it feel so fresh again lately. I haven’t fully let myself go there yet. On Sunday all 4 of us were at our family’s favorite park. We haven’t gone there all summer really and as we walked over to the playground I felt a flood of memories hit me. We went there the day after we found out about Grant and the day before I delivered him. Memories and feelings flashed through my brain. I mentioned it to BJ and watched his face change and go through similar thoughts and feelings as he remembered. It feels like such a while ago…until Fall.

I’m still pleasantly surprised at how relaxed and normal I’ve been with this pregnancy since the 24 week mark. I’m very focused on finishing her room and preparing for her birth and arrival. It feels like a near certainty at this point which is such a long way from where I started. But it also scares me to feel so certain and planning on it. Sometimes the stray thought of “what if” will flash through my mind, but for the most part it leaves as quickly as it came. Deep down I really feel like God will follow through with this. That I will get to hold my warm, pink, sweet baby girl in my arms in just a matter of weeks. We’ve come too far…

I’ve thought a little about how I want to celebrate Grant’s birthday. Initially (shortly after it happened) we had talked about making his birthday a day of remembrance- going through our photos and all of his mementos  and just letting ourselves feel and remember and celebrate his little life. But I’m kind of afraid to really go there. It’s never easy or appealing to feel pain and sorrow again, but if I’m still pregnant I told BJ that I worry about the effect it could have on my mind of trying to finish this long, strenuous marathon of a pregnancy. I am trying to intentionally get and keep my mind in a place of hope, focus, and peace. So, depending on where we are at I think we will make cupcakes with the boys and talk about their little brother in heaven.  I also want to follow through on sponsoring a child. I found out you can narrow down by birthday so I thought it would be really neat to choose a little boy with the same birthday as Grant.

October will always be a paradoxical month for our family. Bittersweet. I know God’s plan in perfect and there is a lot of meaning and purpose behind the timing. And I am trusting him to reveal it however He wants.

September 26, 2014

We are almost there. It feels pretty surreal to think that we could meet our daughter any day. It seems obsessively on my mind. I’m constantly wondering will today be the day and what will it all look like. I’m finding that I am putting a lot of emphasis on the actual birth experience. I don’t think I would have been that woman previously, but it has become such a big climactic moment in my head and, like any birth, I’m trying to keep a realistic  perspective that it may not look like the exact romantic visions I’ve had in my head and that’s ok.

Overall I still don’t feel like I have my head wrapped around the fact that I am about to have a daughter, a baby girl who will forever be a part of our family. I’m reminding myself that I felt this way with the boys as well. It’s such a huge life change that literally happens in a matter of hours or a single moment really. My and our little family’s lives will forever be changed. I don’t feel quite as emotional for our family changing as I would have thought. I feel like the boys are there. They are big boys now, regardless of becoming big brothers, and they are so ready and excited for this. That’s been the great thing about this pregnancy- once I was able to get on board and let myself get excited (which really hasn’t even been that long now) I have just simply wanted it so bad. The upcoming sleepless nights, fears of juggling three kids, worries about how it will change my relationship with the boys…none of that mattered anymore as long as she came safely. And now she’s almost here. I suppose I feel a little caught off guard just because it’s still been hard for me to picture this really happening. I prayed and fought so hard for this little girl, but feel slightly caught off guard that it’s really going to happen. I keep thinking I wish I could go to a secluded cabin for a few days and just think, reflect, pray, and prepare my heart for her. It’s so hard in daily life to get to the point where I want to be going into this.

And then there’s a very tiny part of me that tries to creep to the surface every now and then that thinks about something still going wrong. What if we have an emergent labor situation? What if I lose her after we’ve come this far?...I almost immediately push them back and choose to see the God I’ve come to see throughout this past year. A God who has cradled me in his arms, seen and felt my tears and heartache, given me a gift I hadn’t even begun to ask for, and literally carried me through every single step of this journey. Whom shall I fear?

September 29, 2014

I’m starting to feel pretty antsy. Her arrival has felt like an any day now situation, but that definitely makes the weeks feel more drawn out. I’ve even started having thoughts of what if she doesn’t come on her own by 40 weeks? Which is really dumb because I’m only 37 ½ right now. I’ve heard it and it’s true, when you get checked for progress it doesn’t do anything but get in your head really. Last week I was 3 cm dilated and 80% effaced- hence labor feeling closer than farther. But I’ve held on for almost another week which really is a good thing since she wasn’t quite 7 lbs. then.  For the most part I feel so ready to just do this thing and hold our baby girl. But then last night I started having fairly consistent contractions 10-15 minutes apart and I found myself more freaked than excited. I think mostly for the sake of the thought of laboring overnight. Not appealing to me. But all of this has served as another reminder for what I’ve been learning all along throughout- I am not in control, but God is. And I need to just sit back and trust him for his perfect plan and perfect timing. I want to cherish these final days as a family of 4.

Late last week I took the boys to Costco for a milk run. I usually try to plan one of our lunch dates around it and I think it was as I drove into the parking lot it hit me that this could be the last time we do it as just the three of us and it really got me. I had been saying how surprised I was that I was so ready to embrace this giant life change and that I really felt pretty ready to add a sister. They’ve been ready and understand and are excited and I just hadn’t felt super emotional about it. And then we went to Costco. Somehow sitting there in the little café with our pizza, hot dogs, lemonade, and diet pepsi made reality sink in and I sat there and just fought tears. They’ve been such good errand runners these past few months and we’ve gone everywhere together. They ride in the carts, gather food samples, chat with me, and then we all head to the train aisle as a reward. I am going to miss the simplicity and specialness of it so much. It’s been me and them against the world for over 3 years now and they are my little buddies. I wouldn’t change anything about what’s about to happen. I know it’s the right time and we really are ready, but it’s definitely going to be different.