April- July

April 2, 2014

…Intentional peace. I guess maybe I haven’t really achieved yet. This whole first trimester has mostly been putting my head in the sand and enduring. I don’t think I’ve truly accepted this pregnancy. I haven’t fully been grateful because I’m afraid to get excited and plan on this really happening. I don’t want to let myself feel fear because I’m afraid it will completely take over…I guess the truth is that I’m just scared. Whether I want to be that way or not, I am. I’m finding myself losing my footing in the grounds of surrender and grasping more tightly to the things I can’t control. I know I need to stay rooted in the word and God’s love...

I guess I’m not totally sure what to focus on right now. I guess surrender. To remember that God is in complete control and wants the best for me. To know of his extravagant love and trust him to carry out what he knows is best. He wants good things for me. And I know I just need to pray more. To take time to stop each day and pour out my heart to him and let him speak back.

Father,

I am scared. And I know that means I’m not trusting you enough. I can feel my knuckles whitening as I try to hold tighter to the things you’ve given me. Help me to have the right and healthy perspective of this pregnancy. To celebrate and enjoy the gift that you’ve given us and to believe, truly believe, that it will come to be and that everything will be fine.  Help me to dwell in your goodness and to believe you. I pray you would fill my heart with peace and hope.

June 16. 2014

…I’m at 22 ½ weeks now and as I read back through former entries I do feel like I’ve come so far…One of the most exciting things is that a few weeks ago we found out she is a girl! I couldn’t be more excited, but I still find myself treating it like a prospective excitement- like “wouldn’t this be beyond exciting and perfect if it really happened?!” I still tend to block visions of the future as if I’m holding out to see what really goes down. I think part of that has to do with the 20-24 week window I’m smack in the middle of. I’ve known this would be a hard climb. They guess Grant was approx. 22 weeks when he passed away and we found out at my 24 week appt. In some ways there is a lot of relief at just having passed 22 weeks, but 24 feels like another hurdle as well. I know I won’t feel out of the woods at any point in this pregnancy, but every week past now will feel like a small victory that I didn’t get to have last time. Another week towards hope and excitement. I can and do often picture the actual moment of giving birth to our baby girl (a definite big step compared to the beginning) and I can almost cry at the emotion, relief, and climax of that moment…

July 2. 2014

Lately I think I’ve felt a little lost about how to feel now. I’m approaching the third trimester and, honestly, I wasn’t sure I would make it this far. I think in my head I keep thinking of this time as uncharted territory or unfamiliar waters- even though I’ve obviously gotten through one pregnancy amazingly successfully during this time. In some ways it feels like the home stretch and in other ways it feels like we have so far to go. I find myself still feeling very cautious…

I’ve also found myself often thinking and saying “I just wish she was here”. I think about how far we’ve made it and I just want to fast forward to the end result and hold this baby in my arms. And then very gently I feel God reminding me that this defeats the point of the trust I have had to have in him. It’s me wanting to take control and just have it. It’s me saying that I think I can do a better job of taking care of her here on Earth and in my arms than God could in the womb. I have been very humbled by this thought. Even though hearing her cry in that hospital room in October means we made it through a very long and enduring pregnancy, there are no more guarantees here on Earth. In fact, not to get all morbid, but our Earth is a fallen and dangerous place. God is sovereign and is in control with a perfect plan no matter what age or phase of life my children are in. I rest in the thought that she and her big brothers are securely in His strong and loving arms. And really there’s nowhere else I’d want them be.

This is a song that fits perfectly with the phase I feel I’m at. Stepping into deep waters, relying on absolute faith in a firm and faithful God. It may just become my third trimester anthem.

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

Hillsong United

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine