September 26, 2014

Overall I still don’t feel like I have my head wrapped around the fact that I am about to have a daughter, a baby girl who will forever be a part of our family. I’m reminding myself that I felt this way with the boys as well. It’s such a huge life change that literally happens in a matter of hours or a single moment really. My and our little family’s lives will forever be changed. I don’t feel quite as emotional for our family changing as I would have thought. I feel like the boys are there. They are big boys whether or not they are getting a little sister and they are so ready and excited for this. That’s been the great thing about this pregnancy- once I was able to get on board and let myself get excited (which really hasn’t even been that long) I have just simply wanted it so bad. The upcoming sleepless nights, fears of juggling three kids, worries about how it will change my relationship with the boys…none of that mattered anymore as long as she came safely. And now she’s almost here. I suppose I feel a little caught off guard just because it’s still been hard for me to picture this really happening. I prayed and fought so hard for this little girl, but feel slightly caught off guard that it’s really going to happen. I keep thinking I wish I could go to a secluded cabin for a few days and just think, reflect, pray, and prepare my heart for her. It’s so hard in daily life to get to the point where I want to be going into this.

And then there’s a very tiny part of me that tries to creep to the surface every now and then that thinks about something still going wrong. What if we have an emergent labor situation? What if I lose her after we’ve come this far? But I’ve come too far to entertain those thoughts. I almost immediately push them back and choose to see the God I’ve come to see throughout this past year. A God who has cradled me in his arms, seen and felt my tears and heartache, given me a gift I hadn’t even begun to ask for, and literally carried me through every single step of this journey. Whom shall I fear?