February 17, 2014
... But there had started to be a looming thought in the
back of my head… I tried to tell myself I was just getting it in my head, but I
really wondered …Two clear, dark lines! Holy.cow. I was shocked and yet not.
There was definitely a surreal element…
…Truly so much of me was relieved and kind of excited.
God had answered the prayer and desire of my heart to just take control and
make it so clear. I think I can be quoted at some point earlier that month
saying I almost wished a surprise would just happen so it would be out of our
hands and clearly God’s plan. And here I was a couple of weeks later holding a
positive pregnancy test.
I was surprisingly more excited and hopeful than I initially
thought I would be. There wasn’t an immediate dread or looming fear that I
thought might be there. What I have found myself feeling is a 50/50 chance
though. I feel surprisingly ready to move ahead, but I just don’t feel super
confident that there will really be a healthy, normal baby at the end of this. Just 50/50... I in no way feel like I’m
checked off with the pregnancy tragedy. If anything, it feels even more possible.
And then there’s the biggest issue of all that I’m not sure
I’ve even begun to tackle. How am I seeing God in this? And what does it really
say about how I feel about Him in regards to Grant? …I just feel like I have no
idea what the future holds... Yes, He is a good and loving God. But yes,
hard and bad things still happen. I know this is my jaded view I often have of
God and life- that he is always out to teach us a hard, but necessary lesson
through tough things...
I’ve known for a long time that the preparation and process
of a next pregnancy would be the perfect place for Satan to get a grip on my
heart... The idea just popped into my head to make a list of what I know about
this situation and about God. I’m hoping he put in there as a place to turn…
What I know…
-
There is a human life growing inside me right
now
-
God is good, loves me, and wants to give me hope
and a future
-
God loves children and cherishes life
-
He, and only He, is in complete control
I just feel stuck. I feel like I’m spinning my wheels here.
I’m not sure what scripture to meditate on. So I’m just going to pray. I think
I’m going to need to do that a lot.
February 27, 2014
My first doctor’s appointment is tomorrow. What used to be
the most anticipated date of the month is now one of dread for me. I am so
anxious about going. I feel like it is most likened to a very small version of
post traumatic stress…
…I feel like I’m surrendered, like I know God has the
greatest purposes and truly loves me and wants good for me, but I just don’t
know what’s going to happen. I don’t want to assume the worst of Him and I know
I far too often do. But I think my heart just feels so defensive and scared. I
just so want to know what He’s thinking... I don’t know how to do this. I don’t
know how to allow myself to get attached or excited. I don’t know how to be
surrendered, yet plan on a baby in 9 months...
As I scan back over my words I see a lot of “I don’t knows”.
And I’m reminded of my memorial words for Grant. “There are so many things I
don’t know, but I’ve come to realize that there are a lot of things I do know.”
I guess all I can do is focus on the attributes that I know are true. That God
has spoken in His word, and therefore I believe. I need to bathe myself in
verses of love, comfort, strength, and hope. I need to understand and remember
God’s design for life, health, happiness, and joy. His love of children and
families.
I just opened up the bible and prayed for a passage to speak
to me. As I scanned the page looking for something relevant, I came upon this
from Isaiah 66…
"Before she goes into labor, she gives birth before the
pains come upon her, she delivers a son…'Do I bring to the moment of birth and
not give delivery?', says the Lord. 'Do I close up the womb when I bring to
delivery?', says your God. Rejoice with Jerusalem and be glad for her, all you
who love her; rejoice greatly with her, all you who mourn over her. For you
will nurse and be satisfied at her comforting breasts; you will drink deeply
and delight in her overflowing abundance. For this is what the Lord says: 'I
will extend peace to her like a river, and the wealth of nations like a
flooding stream; you will nurse and be carried on her arm and dandled on her
knees. As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be
comforted over Jerusalem.'”
I know that these verses are a more figurative use, but I
can’t help but think I was led directly to them. Maybe, just maybe, everything
is going to be ok. I need your peace like a river and the comfort like that of
a mother. Thank you, Lord.
March 15, 2014
My first appointment went really well. It was definitely great to see our baby and
watch the little heartbeat flicker. A heartbeat has never meant so much or felt
so risky. .. Although I am 9 weeks, I still feel very 50/50. I recently
explained it to my mom that most pregnant women can clearly visualize certain
things 9 months down the road. They dream about names, nurseries, how their
family with change and look. But I feel like when I try to look at even a few
weeks into the future, all I can see is a drawn curtain. And I just have no
idea what’s behind it. Does it hold heartache? Or will it hold a
healthy baby boy or girl and the expansion of our family? I don’t think that
this is the healthiest mindset right now, but it seems like all I can really
muster for the time being.
The night after we’d had our appointment Sarah and a friend
were over watching the boys. We were chatting afterwards and got to talking
about this pregnancy and just how anxious I was. Her friend very innocently,
but genuinely, asked why I would be so nervous. I’d already done a hard thing
in delivering and raising twin babies. This couldn't be that much harder. His
innocent questions prompted BJ to bring up Grant, and I think we both assumed
that he must not have been aware just what we’d gone through a few months ago.
Sarah had told him, but I know he couldn't truly comprehend what we felt and
went through. But in any case, I feel
like God spoke to me in that moment about clearing my mind and starting fresh with
this pregnancy. Why should I fear? I have had a healthy twin pregnancy. There
was nothing that could have been done differently with Grant. Nothing genetic,
nothing obviously repeatable. This was a fresh start, a new pregnancy. And I
feel like God spoke unexpectedly through Sarah's friend that night to remind me
that I should have a childlike, innocent faith about this pregnancy.
A few nights later, I was reading through my Bible plan and
came across an incredibly simple verse that stopped me dead in my tracks. Jesus
was talking to a man named Jairus after he had asked him to heal his sick
daughter. They got word the daughter had died and Jesus looked at him and spoke
these words that I now cling to, “Don’t be afraid. Just have faith.” Six simple
words, yet they are a challenge to me every single day.
I told BJ last night, after he had asked how he could pray
for me, that I swing between knowing how to pray for myself in this situation. On
one hand, there’s the open submission prayer of hoping for the best, BUT…if
not, I’m ok with it. But if not, I’ll stay faithful. But if not, I know you still love
me. And those are all good and necessary prayers. But I felt like God has been
speaking to me about the other kind of prayer I could pray. The kind where I
plead with him of exactly what I am desiring and focusing on his love,
goodness, light, desire to bring us good and not harm, that his intentions are
never to continue to hurt us. Period. I don’t want to pray in light of another
possible tragedy. I’m tired of focusing on that and fearing it. I think it’s
possible I need to stick my head in the spiritual sand a little more. My eyes
have been opened wide the past few months, and instead I think I’d like to
squint for a little while and focus on what I know to be true about a God and
savior who loves me fiercely and wants to fight for the life of my child. This
is all much easier said than done, but I think it will be honoring to Him in
the end. Help me to do this, Lord. Amen.
