Landry's Birth Story (the abridged version)

Where to begin? Landry is here! She’s 2 weeks old and the princess of the family. I’ve thought about journaling multiple times, but most of all there just hasn’t been the time or rational thought amongst sleep deprivation. But even if I did have the time I haven’t quite known what to write. I know I need to go through and write out the story of her birth and I will, but in a nutshell it just did not go how I wanted or expected. I had pinned a lot of hopes and emotion on the climax of her birth. I can go back and read about it in this journal and I know I had so many visions in my head. And really none of them happened. I had felt like there would be so much poetry in the timing with Grant and I just thought I would feel more connected to the process right now in the aftermath of her birth, but instead I just feel kind of lost. It’s like the still silent hours after a tornado ripped through. You went through so much and there was chaos and hardship and fear and intense moments of God’s provision and safety and then in an instant it just stops. And it’s over. And I just feel like I’m left trying to piece everything together and really wrap my head around it all.

...a few minutes later everyone was gone. The tornado had ended as quickly as it came and I’ll never forget that moment of holding Landry alone in that hospital room feeling like my hair must be windblown from the rush and fury of the experience we had just endured. What.had.just.happened? I didn’t know what else to do so, like any girl, I picked up the phone and called my mom. It was somewhat therapeutic to talk it out, but it was still a haze.

And yet, there was the strongest bond that I felt with my baby girl. I couldn’t really explain it because my climactic moment certainly hadn’t happened. But as I looked over at her sleeping soundly in the bassinet next to my bed my heart couldn’t have been fuller with love for her. As I look back now I think it’s because I felt like I finally met my partner throughout the past 9 months. We had made it. Through the pregnancy and then through the painful and intense birth process. Her little body and mine were one and there she was. My perfect little girl all swaddled and wearing a big bow hat. She was here and we had made it. 

...But my experience definitely stopped me dead in my tracks. Suddenly my recovery became priority, if nothing else just so I could properly function while BJ went back to work and I was responsible for 3 children. I want to feel the sheer elation of a sweet new baby, but the truth is once the dust settles and you return home it’s late night feedings, interrupted sleep and the adjustment of a new addition to the family. I just want to feel the joy and gratitude and completion that I thought I would feel. Maybe it will come with a little more time as the hormones settle down and I slowly start to heal. I hope. 

Father,

I still thank you so much for all that you brought me through. I am so grateful and humbled to have our precious baby girl in our arms. Thank you for the gift of Landry. Thank you for the close bond I already feel with her. She already feels like my little sidekick and it has already been such a blessing to have a daughter.

...Help me to be present and live in the now. Thank you for all you’ve taught me. Thank you for the gift of another fresh year. Help me to humble myself before you and be open to what you bring. I love you and I trust you. Instruct me and teach me in the way I should go, counsel me and watch over me. Amen.

September 26, 2014

Overall I still don’t feel like I have my head wrapped around the fact that I am about to have a daughter, a baby girl who will forever be a part of our family. I’m reminding myself that I felt this way with the boys as well. It’s such a huge life change that literally happens in a matter of hours or a single moment really. My and our little family’s lives will forever be changed. I don’t feel quite as emotional for our family changing as I would have thought. I feel like the boys are there. They are big boys whether or not they are getting a little sister and they are so ready and excited for this. That’s been the great thing about this pregnancy- once I was able to get on board and let myself get excited (which really hasn’t even been that long) I have just simply wanted it so bad. The upcoming sleepless nights, fears of juggling three kids, worries about how it will change my relationship with the boys…none of that mattered anymore as long as she came safely. And now she’s almost here. I suppose I feel a little caught off guard just because it’s still been hard for me to picture this really happening. I prayed and fought so hard for this little girl, but feel slightly caught off guard that it’s really going to happen. I keep thinking I wish I could go to a secluded cabin for a few days and just think, reflect, pray, and prepare my heart for her. It’s so hard in daily life to get to the point where I want to be going into this.

And then there’s a very tiny part of me that tries to creep to the surface every now and then that thinks about something still going wrong. What if we have an emergent labor situation? What if I lose her after we’ve come this far? But I’ve come too far to entertain those thoughts. I almost immediately push them back and choose to see the God I’ve come to see throughout this past year. A God who has cradled me in his arms, seen and felt my tears and heartache, given me a gift I hadn’t even begun to ask for, and literally carried me through every single step of this journey. Whom shall I fear?